i need an iv and a liver transplant
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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