well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
