i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
