apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
