We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
