so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
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