my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
