don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
