I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
