My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
