So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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