I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
