Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
