I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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