our cab driver is having phone sex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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