I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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