You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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