I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
