I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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