I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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