I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
A bitchslap is in order.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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