i just sent this text using only my big toe
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
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I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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