She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
