I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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