Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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