I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize