I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
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I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
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He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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