Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am midnight drunk by noon
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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