Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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