The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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