Pappa wants mamma naked
My brain says no but my pants say off.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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