I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize