break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
