Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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