did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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