Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
