as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
