Yo dont text me then not text me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
