I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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