Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
