Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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