No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
