Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
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Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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