I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You're like the curious george of whores
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
