I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You ate ashes out of my bong
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
