singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
