i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Small penises have feelings too.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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