I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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