He asked me if I "almost moaned"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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