When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
