I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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