Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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