When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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