my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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