The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
